If you have an LGBTQ+ child or grandchild in your life, this is for you. As a Queer psycholgist focused on gender affirming care and health for LGBTQ+ folks and their families, I think about you (us) often. In the quiet moments between sessions, when I'm sitting with a parent in my parent group who is doing their very best and feeling lost, or when I'm on a coaching call with a grandparent who fiercely wants to show up for their trans grandkid. I think about you, and I want you to know a few things.

First: This is hard. It is okay to need support.

Raising a child has always been hard. It has always required you to meet your child where they are, to adjust, to stretch yourself, to learn things you didn't expect to need to know. And now you are doing all of that in terrain that is genuinely new, terrain that happens to be at the center of heated political debate, misinformation, and cultural noise. If it feels overwhelming, its because it is. That is a completely reasonable response to a genuinely difficult situation.

The research backs this up. Studies on parental reactions to a child's LGBTQ+ identity, including work by Chrisler (2017) and research I have contributed to myself (Rosenkrantz et al., 2020), show that many parents go through a real journey of their own. Initial responses can include shock, grief, fear, and confusion, and these feelings often evolve meaningfully over time toward greater understanding and acceptance. Change is hard for humans, especially when there is so much uncertainty all around us in general. 

Second: The challenge of finding people and information you can trust is real.

That gut feeling, the primal instinct to protect your child, is powerful. And right now, that instinct is being pulled in a hundred directions by people who claim expertise they don't have. It can feel impossible when so many voices are weighing in on your child's experience with confidence but without credentials.

Your instinct to seek out trustworthy guidance is the right one. Not everyone offering information on LGBTQ+ youth, and trans and non-binary youth in particular, is drawing from evidence-based practice or the recommendations of leading medical and psychological organizations. The good news is that there are many of us who do have that training and expertise and are readily available to help support. Folks like myself and colleagues like my grandparent group co-founder Rebecca Minor, LICSW (who recently authored the brilliant book Raising Trans Kids), and many others are ready to equip you with tools, wisdom, and resources for caring for yourself and your children/grandchildren. 

Third: It makes complete sense to have questions. That means you care.

Please know that having questions does not make you a bad parent or a bad grandparent. It makes you someone who wants to understand. Asking those questions in a supportive space, whether that is a group designed for caregivers like you, or a one-on-one conversation with a professional, can be incredibly valuable.

Here is something I have learned from years of working with families: asking questions in a safe space can bring up feelings, and that is real and okay. Working with a professional can also help with perspective-building, developing a broader and more comprehensive understanding of your child's experience than either of you may be able to access on your own right now. Your child may still be figuring out their own journey, still finding the words for what they are experiencing. That is developmentally normal. You do not have to wait until they have all the answers to begin your own learning. 

Fourth: Your community is a rich resource.

I say this from both my professional experience and my personal one: this journey is not meant to be walked alone. There are real, beautiful people out there for parents and grandparents, people who have been exactly where you are and who will meet you with warmth, not judgment.

PFLAG offers incredible in-person gatherings across the country. I also run virtual support groups specifically for parents and grandparents (JOIN US!), and I have watched people arrive feeling overwhelmed and leave feeling more grounded, more informed, and more ready to show up for their family member. If you are curious about either, I would love to connect you.

Fifth: Learning involves making mistakes, and that does not make you a bad parent. It makes you human.

What makes you the best parent or grandparent for your child is not that you get everything right the first time. It is that you keep showing up. You keep trying. You keep reflecting on how to love them well. That willingness, that commitment to keep learning, is one of the most powerful things you can offer your child.

And finally, something I've been sitting with as a new parent myself.

Before I became a parent, a dear friend of mine told me something I haven't forgotten. She said that I could imagine the scary parts of parenting, because I had felt versions of them: the exhaustion, the overwhelm, the weight of responsibility. But she said I could not yet imagine the joy and the good parts, both because my fear was big but also because it was new, uncharted territory.

I think about that a lot in relation to this journey.

You already know what it is to worry about your child. To want to protect them from getting hurt and wishing you could avoid all the risks for them. That is part of why this news can hit so hard right? You want so deeply for them to have a happy life with as few road blocks as possible, and then they share they hold an identity that is being politicized everywhere you turn. That familiar worry has a new reason to present itself. 

Just like when you did that hard, new, brave thing of becoming a parent, and it shaped you in ways you couldn't predict and brought meaning and joy in new ways,  this journey will bring beautiful things, too. Things like watching your kid develop and grow in creative ways, finding new sources of community and connection, and new, meaningful parts of yourself. Yes, the scary parts are real. But the joy is, too, and so is the love and care. 

Community is waiting for you, when you are ready to find it. And if you find yourself wanting a knowledgeable, compassionate guide for this journey, that is exactly the work I do with parents and grandparents. I would be honored to support you.

In Community, 

Dr. Dani 

References

Chrisler, A. J. (2017). Theoretical framework of parental reactions when a child comes out as lesbian, gay, or bisexual. Journal of GLBT Family Studies, 13(4), 371–389.

Rosenkrantz, D. E., Rostosky, S. S., Toland, M. D., & Dueber, D. M. (2020). Cognitive-affective and religious values associated with parental acceptance of an LGBT child. Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity, 7(1), 55.